"The War Was There, And I Was Here"

     I was a newly minted special agent with the FBI in Greenville, South Carolina. Greenville was my first duty assignment, by then, I had been back from the war for two years and out of the military for one.

     I remember, after I read the article, mentally calculating how many would probably die if the war went on for another year, and I pondered if the casualty rate would exceed that of the Korean War. As I recall, I didn't focus too much on the war then because I was beginning a civilian career, I was now married, and we were expecting our first child. The war was there, and I was here, it was as if the war were someone else's responsibility, not mine anymore.

     It was about then that I began to secretly suffer from anxiety attacks that I told no one about, except my wife. I don't blame these attacks on the war as much as the total pressure of the responsibility that I felt being in the military at that time, maybe it was survivor's guilt? Also, I feared so much that, as a twenty two year old officer, I would somehow "screw up" and dishonor myself or get someone killed or injured....christ, we were all kids with more responsibility than we should have ever had at the time! I also cried when I read the article.

1LT John M. McNamara, 615th MP Company & 212th MP Company, June 1966 to May 1967.